Pub jokes page

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder and tells the bartender that his octopus is a musical genius. I'll bet you £10 he can play any instrument. The bartender pulls out an electric guitar from behind the bar and says, Well lets see him play this guitar. The octopus takes the guitar and starts playing just like Jimi Hendrix. The patron pockets the £10. Next the bartender pulls out a trumpet, the octopus grabs it and his playing would make Dizzie Gillespie proud. ...£10 later Now the bartender pulls out bagpipes from behind the bar and gives them to the octopus. The octopus starts fumbling with them for a moment, and the bartender says I think we stumpted him, he can't play those ! The octopus retorts: Play them ?! As soon as I can figure out how to get these pyjamas off I'm gonna' fuck them !

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. Hey says "Barman, a black and tan please!" The barman makes him the best black and tan he ever tasted, using Guiness and Bass Ale. As he enjoys his beer, another man walks in and sits next to him. He says "Barman, a Coors Light please." The first man says "Ahh Coors Light, that brinks back memories, like the time I made love in a boat." The other man says "What do you mean?" The first guy says "Well, It's fucking close to water."

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie. Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!" His answer was good enough for Marie, and things began to heat up. So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre, what are you doing?" "My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear:"Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her genital area. He grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?" "My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go Down in Flames!!

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include: 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing. 16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.